I grew up in a Christian home. My mom had a personal relationship with Jesus. She was and still is my best example of what living a life for Jesus embodies. We went to church regularly and when I was 15 I accepted Jesus as my friend and Saviour, but I never fully committed to that relationship with God even though my heart pulled me to do it.
Jesus wanted all of my heart. All of me; not just the parts I was willing to give Him. I felt like I was living a double life: a public life at work and school that didn’t include Jesus and a private one that included Him.
I have battled through depression most of my adult life. This has led me down some unwanted paths that included alcohol & sexual addictions in university and destroyed relationships. I suffered from a perfectionist complex, super-sensitivity, fear of failure and a deep feeling of unworthiness. These have all held me back from fulfilling God’s plan in my life.
Perfectionism is very hard on relationships. I never felt “good enough” to the world, constantly looking for the approval of others, when all I needed was to place God first in my life and truly hand everything over to him. It became easy to put other things in place of God: education, job, marriage. I became angry at God or rather, at my picture of a God who is never satisfied. That is the saddest part of it.
This past year forced me to look inward at my relationship with God. In fact, 2020 broke me. It showed me how far I had drifted from God. I had a dream in December. The words spoken in the dream “I don’t know you, because you don’t know Me. Read your Bible.” It was a wake-up call.
That night I prayed to Jesus as my Saviour. This time I knew I needed to hand over all things to Him. I started reading the bible regularly and attending church online each week, and listening to worship music throughout the day. I cannot say that I am new to Christ, but I am a new and different person because of God’s grace and forgiveness through His son Jesus. God’s love and power is real and never ending.
My life is an example that it is never too late to come back to God. Jesus left the 99 to come back for me. I declare loudly that I belong to you, God. You have been so loving, patient and good to me when I did not deserve Your love. I allowed my problems and the world to consume my attention. I truly repent and today it’s personal.
Change is never easy, but I am seeing fundamental changes happening in my life, in my attitudes and habits. I am starting to see God moving things for the better in my life by allowing God to work in my life instead of pushing forward in my own way.
I say “yes” to more Jesus in my life. “Yes” to allowing God to make changes in me, and “yes” to making him number 1 in my life.
Sometimes it takes one to lose everything to truly turn everything over to God. Every day I thank God for putting my wife Bernice and daughter Ava into my life.
I am free because of what Jesus did on the cross and I lay it all at His feet. I will not listen to those lies from the past any longer but will allow Him to create the path for change within me. This won’t be immediate, but a continuous change.
I have hope. I finally feel at peace because of God’s grace. I finally understand the meaning of it and I can stand before God knowing that my sins have been forgiven, knowing that He loves me unconditionally and I can finally accept that He has a plan for my life.
I am nervously excited and filled with hope for the new life God has in store for me.