Before coming to Christ, I was consumed with the world around me. I defined myself and my happiness by material items and how much success I could achieve. I found myself always trying to get “better”, my focus was on what I did not have and how I could get it. My lack of contentment and my love for material items was all a cover to hide my innermost insecurities.
Inside, I never felt good enough or deserving of love. But what I did not know was that trying to keep up with this facade for years would eventually lead to depression and suicidal ideation. The death of my grandmother in 2016 helped me to ignite my journey to knowing Christ. The faithfulness and gratitude she exhibited while suffering was something I could not fathom. There was a part of me that longed for that peace, and I knew the only way to see my grandmother again would be to live according to Christ. Yet again I found myself in a pattern of being consistent in my faith then falling off.
COVID-19 hit. I was a Registered Nurse working in the eye of the storm and I was pregnant with my first child. It was at this time that I began to watch church online. After the birth of my daughter the relationship between her father and I ended, and the reality of being a single parent had set in. I broke down and let it all go. I asked God to come into my life and change me because I could not do it anymore. My life came to a complete halt, I had come to a dead-end street, and I had to decide whether to continue the path I was going on or to change. But unlike all the other times in my life when I came to this same dead-end street, this time was different. It was not only myself I had to make the decision for, but I was also now a mother. Choosing to live for and follow Christ was the most obvious decision.
I have now found comfort and peace despite feeling like my life is falling apart. Jesus continually teaches me resilience and contentment. In Christ I am learning who I am and that I am enough. The love that I once believed I did not deserve, I have found in the Lord, despite the countless times I turned my back on him and the mistakes I continue to make. Christ forgives me and walks with me. I finally feel like I can come face-to-face with my insecurities, and I am no longer afraid and ashamed. Through Christ anything is possible. My life has truly just begun. God is calling me to him more than ever before.